When peace like a river attendeth my way
When sorrows like sea billows roll
Whatever my lot, thou has taught me to say
It is well, it is well with my soul.
Horatio Spafford, 1873
Horatio Spafford became a fairly prominent attorney in Chicago in the 1860's, but starting in 1870, tragedy enveloped this man's life in spades. In 1870, he lost one of his children to disease, then in 1871 he lost all his real estate investments in the great Chicago fire. But it all climaxed for him in 1873, as he and his family were set to sail across the Atlantic for a European vacation. Last minute business kept him from going with his family, but he promised to catch up in a couple of days. The ship his wife and chilren were on sunk just off the coast of France, and each of his remaining children perished. He received a telegram from his wife that simply said "saved alone." A few days later, when he passed near the spot where his children went down, he felt inspired by the Holy Spirit and it was at the time that Mr. Spafford wrote this classic hymn.
Which brings me to today. Tuesday, April 27 is my nineteenth wedding anniversary, only I won't be celebrating with my wife, who passed away nearly 11 years ago. For me, it is a day of reflection as I look back on a marriage so strong that was cut so woefully short. Yet in spite of the tragedy, I find hope in the words penned by Horatio Spafford some 137 years ago. Each of us endures tragedy, yet where is our strength and our hope to survive such awful tragedies? I remember a loving woman, a beautiful wife and a terrific mother who is still needed by her sons today. Even so, it is well with my soul.
It was never a part of my life's plan to be widowed at 32. There was so much more to do. Raising our two sons together, our dreams for travel, all the laughs along the way as well as all the aggravations. Instead of living those dreams, I spent several years afterwards looking into the darkness. My life simply wasn't supposed to be like this. I didn't ask for this. In my own way, I screamed out, "My God, my God why have you forsaken me?" Where did I find hope among the hopelessness I felt? Ultimately I found it in my faith, but a faith that was shaken, torn and left to be reconstructed. I learned to accept Angie's death. More importantly, I learned to accept myself again, albeit one that was different than before. While I would never wish single parenthood on anyone, I am blessed by my sons each day. And I got some great advice along the way. Mostly that God is still listening. And that hope still exists. And I learned that it is well with my soul.
This, too, shall never pass, but life will go on. Today, I look to a future more full of hope than ever before. I have two wonderful boys who are going into (sometimes) fine young men. I take great joy in watching them grow. I also look to my own life, one that is renewed, one that sees faith grow everyday. I have hit bottom in my life and it was not pretty. I realize what a monster depression can be, and how hard it is to climb out of that hole. Perhaps more, I have come to faith that is truly my own, shaky as it still may be. I don't know how else to explain, except to say that I've come by it honestly, through trial and tribulation. This doesn't make me a hero, just a guy who is trying to make his way in this world, and needs help from a God who will love and protect me. And like Job in the Old Testament, I put my faith and hope in a God that will restore life.
During my darkest days, I was fortunate to have many people praying for me. Your prayers sustained me. Thank you one and all for your prayers and all the kindness that I was shown during those dark days. There were people who did many kind things for me, yet I was so emotionally numb and detached that I could not muster the strength to say "Thank you." But know this: I could not have made it without you. And today, it is well with my soul.
