The Puruit of Happiness

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.” – Thomas Jefferson, 1776

Sometimes I wonder if Jefferson wrote a most unfortunate sentence here. The right to pursue happiness I do not question, but sometimes I question why the pursuit of happiness? To be happy is very desirable, and I do not question that happiness is a good thing. I want to be happy! Who doesn’t, right? But I do feel that happiness itself is so often misunderstood. At least, I seem to misunderstand it. People pursue happiness as a primary goal. What I have found in my own pursuit of happiness is that it is a secondary feeling, not a primary one. We are happy as a result of other feelings. And the ironic thing is, many of those who pursue happiness for the sake of being happy wind up quite unhappy. I have found that there are three keys to ultimately being happy: 1) give yourself away; 2) be your genuine self; 3) confront conflicts and problems head on right away.

Happiness may start within, but it needs to flow out. You will not find happiness by focusing strictly on yourself. So be a blessing to someone else today. Love those close to you. Live joyfully, with kindness and generosity towards others, and gratitude in your heart. Be sure to express that gratitude! Laugh with others every day. Cast out hate, selfishness and envy. You do these things, and an unexplainable peace will come over you. Examine those parts of your life that bring out your best. Do the same with what brings out your worst. Do these things and you will be on your way to happiness. I have found that I do need to take time each day for myself. We all need to recharge, to unwind. Take that time. This will make you a better parent, a better spouse, a better you.

Nobody is better at being you than you. This is a great thing. So be you! This has been the most difficult thing for me. Earlier this year, a friend asked me, “What do you really love to do?” or words to that effect. Another way to put this is to ask yourself what makes you most authentically you? Being somebody else in order to please others will not bring you happiness. Yet I spent many years doing just that. In the end, I was miserable. Strangely enough, my stroke has forced me to lay aside some of my own expectations, and I have become more authentically me. I have found more peace, contentment and happiness in the process. But what about unhealthy aspects that make you who you are? What controls you? Is it alcohol or drugs? An inappropriate relationship that threatens you and your family? Financial difficulties? These parts of you need to change. Confront them and defeat them. You can do it! These things make false promises and rob you of true happiness.

The third key to happiness is confronting conflicts and problems right away. Life is not always easy, light and happy. Sometimes we encounter difficulties as mentioned above. Confront these early. Do not let them linger or build up. Life does not always go as planned. My life is nothing like I thought it would be! It could be the loss of a loved one. Grieve them deeply. It could be an accident. It could be the way someone else treats you. An unhappy customer. Confront the difficulties early before they become too big, and in the long run you will be much happier.

I find it easier to define happiness by what it is not, rather than what it is. For instance, happiness is not found in the acquisition of more stuff. Your stuff should work for you and serve you well. But it will never make you truly happy. Our human nature will always want the next great thing. It is not found in making money for the sake of making money. It is not found by placing your hope in others. People will let you down. They do not mean to, and this does not make them bad people. It is just their human nature (or perhaps our own?). And it is not found in filling up your life with busyness. Being busy with things that do not serve any greater purpose than busyness will leave you feeling frustrated and unfulfilled. Understand that happiness is not an instantaneous thing, but rather an evolutionary process. It does not happen overnight, but over a period of time.

I am sure that many of you already know these things intuitively. I learned much of this the hard way and am still learning. The good news is that I am much happier and more at peace with myself than I have been in a long time. I have found that if you have laughed, if you have loved, if you have treated others with kindness, given yourself generously, filled your heart with joy and peace then you have had a heck of a day! And that is what will make you happy. This makes happiness my “word” for 2019. True, genuine, clean-to-the-bone, fill-my-soul happiness. Happy 2019 everyone!

Heroes All Around Me

Every year, people will highlight what happened in their lives over the past year with themselves, their kids, and even their pets. I will start out my card this year that way, but then move into a different type of Christmas card. I want to acknowledge and thank all the heroes in my life the past year. Yes, heroes is the right word here.

The highlight of my year occurred in May, when I got to watch my son graduate from the University of Kansas in Lawrence with a Finance degree. I am immensely proud of this likable and lovable son of mine. Rock Chalk forever Brent!

Now to my Christmas Card. Two thousand eighteen was a year that I got to experience heroes all around me. People often bemoan the lack of heroes in today’s world. They just don’t know where to look. Heroes are all around us. Many will tell us they were “just doing their job.” I am forever grateful for those who were “just doing their job.”  There are far too many to acknowledge, but I will do my best.

I start with my family. I remember calling my sister, Sarah Zeller, the morning of July 19, stating that I needed help. I believed that I had a stroke the night before, and could she take me to the hospital? For the record, if you or someone close by is having a stroke, call 911 immediately!! Don’t do what I did by waiting overnight. Back to Sarah, she got me to the hospital. I believe she also had the task of calling all my other family to let them know what had happened with me. Poor, Sarah – I’m sorry about that.

Mom and Dad were with me all the way, each in their own way. No way would I have made it without them. I am so fortunate to have had such supportive parents, who were there for me. When I have needed them most, they have been there for me. Even Angie’s Mom was checking in from Georgia, doing all she could for me, and her support was very much appreciated. But the list is just beginning.

I am so grateful to those who took care of me, medically at St. Luke’s Hospital and St. Luke’s Health System in Kansas City. Nurses who were providing round the clock care and helping me do the most basic life tasks. This was not always a pretty sight, yet I am so thankful they were there to help. If you have ever been in the care of a nurse, you know what I am talking about.  Physical therapists, who brought me back to functioning adulthood. I had to re-learn how to brush my teeth, get dressed, shower, walk, use my hands and legs. I also had to re-engage my brain and re-learn my mental capabilities. The doctors who monitored my medicines and brought my blood pressure under control.

People who visited me in the hospital. If you only knew how much your presence meant to me in those days. Words cannot express the gratitude in my heart. People from my Bible study, a friend from my Baylor days who now lives in Tulsa, who had a stroke himself 5 years ago. A junior high shop teacher from Indian Creek who I hadn’t seen since 9^th grade. My son Brent, whose presence always made me smile. Hundreds of messages of encouragement on my social media accounts. Loved the words of encouragement from each of you. And the countless friends and others all over the country who were praying for my recovery. Prayer is indeed powerful!

I was fortunate to see the best of humanity in each of you. I don’t feel as though I have adequate words to express my gratitude. To all my heroes, I leave you with this -

Thank you. Every single one of you. Thank you! Merry Christmas to you all and all my best for a well- deserved joyous holiday season.  Best wishes to all of you for 2019.

The Hiding Place - Book Review

“You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor^[a] and hate your enemy.’ ⁴⁴ But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, ⁴⁵ that you may be children of your Father in heaven." Matthew 5:43-45

¹⁶ Rejoice always, ¹⁷ pray continually, ¹⁸ give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus." 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

"Be not afraid..." Jesus Christ many times throughout the New Testament

The verses highlighted above are some of the most difficult teaching of Jesus to his followers. Especially when you are a prisoner to pure evil, an evil that wants to destroy everything you find good.

I recently read The Hiding Place by Corrie ten Boom, and was deeply moved by the true story. I highly recommend reading this book.  The story is about Ms. ten Boom and her family during World War II. Her father, Casper ten Boom was a man of deep and abiding Christian faith. He passed this faith along to his children, and anyone else who would listen. We are introduced to this Dutch family that lives in Holland from Corrie’s childhood on. She was born in 1892, and grew up the daughter of a watchmaker. In addition to watches, the ten Boom home was also a place that welcomed strangers and fed them a meal. Seems there was always an extra place setting every evening at dinner time. However, their world changed in 1940.

The Nazis invaded Holland, conquered the Dutch and set up an occupation government. Life became especially difficult for those of the Jewish faith. Soon, the ten Boom family found themselves being besieged by requests from Jewish people for not only food, but shelter and safety from the Nazis. Their Christian faith compels the ten Boom’s to take them in, feed them and hide them from the Nazis while doing their best to carry forward as watchmakers. Soon, Corrie finds herself deep in the resistance movement, defying the Nazis, and taking bigger and bigger risks to help out her house guests. This all comes crashing down on February 28, 1944, when the Nazis raid the home and arrest the entire ten Boom family after being betrayed by a young man posing as a Jew in need of help.

From there, the book details Corrie’s struggles in prison, her attempts to find out news about her family, especially her father. What we find is not only a story of resistance to pure evil, but a family that lives out its faith to the very end. It is the deeper story of the family that lives out its faith that has me utterly fascinated. How did they live out their faith? How did they build it? How could they trust it? And how could they use it to stand up to evil?

Corrie ten Boom and her family had a relationship with God, built brick by brick over many years. When they needed that faith, it was there for them. Their faith came from many years of not only gaining expertise (i.e. reading the Bible), but through years of trust, built on their experience. They knew from many small incidents that God’s hand was present, so when they were faced with a big crisis moment, they knew God was there with them. It was this faith that taught them to embrace some of Jesus’s most difficult teachings in these crisis-filled days. We see that Corrie’s sister Betsie naturally and instinctively prayed, from prison, for God’s blessings on the young man who betrayed them over to the Nazis. Who does that? Not me! How did she find the faith and the strength to pray for this man? She knew God would be with her and deliver her ultimately from the hand of the Nazis. Surviving in those moments, it is difficult to see God’s presence, and it takes a faith that I admit never having had to see Him. We also see these women march forward in faith. How many times did Jesus instruct us to “be not afraid”? Their faith, built over many years, had taught them not to be afraid. Even when they have been sent to a death camp, and they know their own fate by this time. These ladies had the courage that not only came from having a certain level of expertise, but also an unshakeable faith.

This book is actually two stories layered on top of one another. One is a surface story of a family that resists the Nazis. The other is a spiritual story of a family that is obedient to God's teachings. Not since reading To Kill A Mockingbird have I been moved by a story that details the resistance to pure evil. One will come away amazed at both stories.

I Am A Survivor

I am a father, son, brother, and friend.  I am also a survivor.  I have survived a fatal auto accident, the death of a spouse (which occurred in the auto accident), a failed business, a failed marriage, and depression. Today I speak to you as a stroke survivor. I want to state up front that mine is not a story of despair and doom. If it were, then that is the end of my story. Mine is a story of hope and triumph. I know this is not the end. I have had plenty, and I have done without. I have been blessed and I have been cursed. I have heard the voice of God, and I have had many doubts. Through it all, I am still here. I still have a story to tell, and I still have an adventure of some sort to live.

I still carry scars from my stroke. My right side is numb, and my senses of smell and taste have been knocked hard. I am also extremely fortunate. My stroke was very mild as strokes go. I have no face droop, no blurred vision, no slurred speech and my brain still functions rather normally. I will live with a new normal for the rest of my life. I know the chances of me having a second stroke are much greater than someone my age having a first stroke. I accept all of it. I know the circumstances that brought about my stroke are largely my fault, and that I can take steps to minimize the likelihood of a second stroke. I will go forward with this second chance and do all I can to get it right this time.

I have learned that the best way to survive a stroke is to do all you can to prevent one in the first place. All strokes are a result of high blood pressure, so monitor your pressure and do what you can to keep it in a healthy range. Eat right, watch your salt intake, eat bananas (potassium), get plenty of exercise, live smoke-free, limit alcohol consumption, reduce stress. Some factors you cannot control. Age, sex, genetics play a role. No one is 100% immune from having a stroke. The best way to reduce stress is exercise. Get that nervous energy out of you. And learn to lean on your faith and trust God. In the immediate aftermath of my stroke, I had many people praying for me, and have I found that comforting. God gives me a second chance everyday, and I am so grateful for that.

Another stress reducer that we do not often think of is a grateful heart. A soul filled with gratitude is a happy soul. I have been blessed with so many people who have helped me in my times of need. I hope I have remembered to say thank you to each of you. Learn to appreciate the efforts of others, even if it is not perfect by your standards. Yes, I am a survivor. I have had much help along the way. I embark on a new normal, and I look forward to where it will take me.

To Feel Deeply

A couple of months ago, my Bible Study leader at church, a local attorney named Aaron House, told me that he could tell that I feel deeply.  His observation took me by surprise.  I had never seen myself like that before.  I am still amazed that he saw it.  But the more I have reflected on that, the more I realize he is right.  I have spent much of my life burying my feelings and emotions.  I learned from my Dad not to show emotions, not to feel. Instead I was to "tough it out." I came around to the thought that feelings and emotions do not serve me well, so best not to let others see it. Oftentimes, his teachings served me well.  Sometimes I just wanted to bust out, but I could not.  Looking back on Dad's 70th birthday celebration, we had the whole family gathered together, and he gave us some of his life's reflections, in particular noting that he had learned that it was ok to show emotion and be more emotional.  So this brings me back to the observation that I feel deeply.  Aaron was right, I do feel deeply.  But I have put so much more effort into burying my feelings that I could not see it.  People have often noted to me that I am so calm, surprisingly stoic.  That is how I wanted to be perceived.  Not as one who is overly emotional.  I did let myself feel, I just made sure no one saw it.  I needed to get it out of my system privately.  Looking back, I cried a lot in the days, weeks and months after Angie died. I just made sure no one saw me, especially my boys.  I wonder if I robbed them of a side of me that would have been healthy to see?  I wonder if I have robbed myself of something?  What brings this all back to me is a tragedy that occurred this past weekend.  The daughter of a friend died in a boating accident. Knowing what my friend was about to go through with grief brought back all kinds of recollections to me.  There were moments I recalled vividly, particularly the grief resources person from the funeral home who said to me, "You will grieve her death the rest of your life."  I recall arriving at the church for Angie's funeral, and seeing the hearse, knowing it was for her. Talk about a reality slap! That was the first time it hit me that it was not a dream, that Angie's death really happened. That hit me like a ton of bricks. My heart breaks for my friend. He has a wide network of friends and family who will help him through the grief. But my heart still breaks. I tried to reach out to him with a note, and I could not get it done because I kept choking up on my emotions (I did get a note out to him the next day). And it was in that moment that I recalled Aaron's words. I knew I felt deeply.  Will I cry in front of my boys?  Remains to be seen.

The Greatest Place To Watch A Basketball Game

I'll preface my remarks by saying that if you're up 6 with 3 minutes to go, you should win, no excuses. Today confirmed to me why Allen Fieldhouse is the best place in the world to watch a basketball game. No one will ever convince me otherwise. TV doesn't begin to capture the noise inside the building. The home team was beat today. Down 6, 3 minutes to go. Most fan bases at that point are sitting on their hands, mouths are taped shut. Not Kansas. Their fans turned it up about 6 notches. The last 3 minutes were deafening. Unless you've been in that building, you cannot fathom the noise inside. I will hearing ringing in my head for at least the next 3 days. The noise doesn't so much charge up the home team as it wilts the visiting team. Still, up 6 with 3 minutes to go, you should win. I congratulate KU on the win today. Give the crowd an assist on this one.