Where Does The Love of God Go?

 

This past November 10 marked the 50^th anniversary of the sinking of the freighter, The Edmund Fitzgerald on Lake Superior. Twenty-nine men lost their lives as the ship sank to the bottom of the lake. This event was forever memorialized about a year later as Canadian folk singer Gordon Lightfoot (1938-2023) wrote, recorded and released his hit song, “The Wreck of The Edmund Fitzgerald.” This is one of the most haunting songs I have ever listened to, but one part of the song really stands out to me. He has just sung about the final wreck of the big ship and then there is a musical bridge which is both eerie and terrifying at the same time. The bridge fades out, the music softens and Mr. Lightfoot comes back and sings this line: “Does anyone know where the love of God goes when the waves turn the minutes to hours?”

Gordon Lightfoot was a terrific storyteller and this song was a masterpiece. The question he asks above hits hard. For those raised in church, the easy answer is that God’s love is always there and never leaves. Our God is an awesome God! Yet, the easy answer leaves you unsettled and unsatisfied when life hits you hard and knocks you down. For me those moments when “the waves turned the minutes to hours” were when Angie died. All of us have moments like that, whether it is tragedy or betrayal or something else sinister. Like I am prone to do, I turned to the word of God for answers. Again, what I found was troubling. 1 Kings 19 tells us how the prophet Elijah ran as far as he could from Queen Jezebel (that name just sounds wicked) after she had sent a messenger to Elijah. The messenger relayed that the Queen was sending an army of men after him to slaughter him in the next 24 hours. Elijah had slaughtered the prophets of the god Baal after challenging them to call their god and they failed, as told in 1 Kings 18. It is quite a humorous story. Then we get to verses 11 & 12 in Chapter 19 that say, “The Lord said, “Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by. Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire.” I have always been told that I worship an omnipotent God, that he is everywhere all the time. Yet this tells us that He was not in the powerful wind, that he was not in the earthquake and he was not in the fire. Where was He? And where was He when Jesus cried out on the cross, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” (Matthew 27:46 & Mark 15:34) And no doubt, God was not in the storm that night on Lake Superior. Verse 12 goes on to tell us that the voice of God is a whisper, implying that we need to find ourselves in a quiet moment to truly hear His voice.

I will state here that I do not doubt that God loves me, that He is Almighty and all powerful. But, sometimes I have questions. We all have questions, and that is good. For the time being I leave this question without a good answer. And sometimes not getting a good answer is all I get for now. I keep pursuing the answer, knowing by faith that the answer will be revealed to me.

I will close out with another master storytelling song from Mr. Lightfoot, my personal favorite of his, “Carefree Highway.” It is a story of reminiscing about a love lost. I think of the Carefree Highway in Arizona, a 30-mile stretch of road that is north/northwest of Phoenix. For those not familiar with the highway system in Phoenix, they name their highways. If you are driving on I-10 in Phoenix, you are actually on the Maricopa Freeway (Phoenix is in Maricopa County, Arizona). I have spent a small portion of my life in Arizona, particularly the Phoenix/Scottsdale area and I have many fond memories. Everything from a summer job while I was in college (1988) to a guys’ weekend golf trip to spring break trips with my sons. Obviously, I highly recommend Arizona. The Grand Canyon remains the most amazing place I have ever seen. Still on my bucket list is a trip to Sedona. Back to Mr. Lightfoot’s song. In it, he sings an unforgettable line to me: “Now the thing that I call living is just being satisfied with knowing I got no one left to blame.” So give me a convertible (I’ll settle for an open sunroof), an open stretch of highway basking in the sun, some good tunes turned up loud and not a care in the world. Carefree Highway, let me slip away on you!

Raiders and Reunions

This past weekend, I attended my 40th high school class reunion (Shawnee Mission South class of 1985). Something happened at the events that I attended that left me amazed - I thoroughly enjoyed myself. Before I go further, I will happily acknowledge that those who put on the events that I attended - particularly the main event on Saturday night - did a terrific job and put on a wonderful reunion. They deserve all the credit in the world, and I am happy to throw that credit their way.

This was not about rehashing all the stupid stuff we did in high school. I'm sure there were some memories recounted during the evening, but it was about connecting with people and where they are today. There were plenty of smiles, laughs and hugs all around. These were all very good things. I enjoyed conversations with people that I barely said two words to in high school. But the connection today, even though it was only a few moments, was priceless. That was then, this is now. I also enjoyed seeing a few people for the first time since high school and hearing about their lives today.

I am not the same person that I was forty years ago, and for that I am grateful. If I am the same person today that I was then, what was the point of the last forty years? Each of us has had the whole range of experiences that have shaped who we are today. And it is a little bit different for each of us. And yet, in so many ways, we are all very similar. I loved hearing about it all. My favorite observation for the evening came from the lady who said that all she wanted from the reunion was the see everyone and know that we are happy in life. So simple, yet so beautiful. I completely agree with that sentiment.

Thank you to all who said hi and took the time to visit with me. I enjoyed the moments and enjoyed hearing about where your lives are these days. Thank you once again to those who organized the events of the weekend. It was a resounding success! We were a damn good class and for those few moments, I truly understood that there is nothing greater than a Raider!!

Letting Go

"Memories
Light the corners of my mind
Misty watercolor memories
Of the way we were"

Barbara Streisand, The Way We Were, 1973

I have been undergoing a massive downsizing. Going from about 3,600 sq ft to 800 means you learn about things like minimalism and you learn what you really need and do not need. Downsizing can also be quite a spiritual cleansing as you clear out the physical clutter in your life. De-cluttering does not mean just get rid of everything. You learn what things you have truly serves your soul and has value, purpose and meaning in your life.

This weekend has been an example of this in my life as I went through countless sympathy cards from 25 years ago. I realized something as I looked through them - they were no longer comforting. The cards no longer contained any value or purpose in my life. Please understand that I am forever grateful to those who took the time to express their condolences to my family and me during that devestating time. The words meant a lot to us all and provided much needed comfort. The cards and letters were eventually gathered up and buried deep in the crevices of excess storage, not to be seen again until this past weekend. I knew as I read them again that they were no longer needed. My life has moved forward, my kids' lives have moved forward, and that is good. The cards, letters and their words were good in that time and space. I am no longer in that time and space. All the condolences could do was take me back to that time that I would rather forget. 

I did choose to keep three letters which are still meaningful. The first was from one of Angie's former roommates at Baylor, who addressed the letter to my sons. The letter brought out Angie's ability to love deeply. The second was from one of her former colleagues at Ecolab who really highlighted the respect she garnered in her profession. The third was from The First Baptist Church of South Pittsburg, Tennessee. This church had a ministry at the time that would send volunteers to local hospitals to visit and bring comfort to those who were suffering. There were several members of that church who came to the hospital and played with the boys (keeping them distracted) while I was being treated for a broken collarbone. The pastor's wife, sizing up the situation, went to Wal Mart and bought some overnight clothes for the boys and grabbed some her husband's clothes for me (apparently, we were roughly the same size). I will never forget the kindness and generosity of those people who came and stayed for several hours. In my attempt to repay their kindness (which I could never truly do), I sent a donation to the church and a check to the pastor's family to repay them for their out-of-pocket expense. 

I received a letter back from the church, signed by the pastor, thanking me for my donation. As I read it further, I was struck by the fact that he was hoping to purchase hand bells and create a permanent hand bell choir that would make beautiful music for many years. Hand bells really do make a beautiful sound, and when done well are joyful. Angie loved hand bells and to think that out of something so devestating, something beautiful could arise does bring a sense of happiness to my soul. Another thought has crossed my mind. I never did find out if the church purchased those hand bells. I hope they did!

One final thought. I would not recommend listening to Barbra Streisand singing "The Way We Were" while de-cluttering and parting with things from your past. It is a beautiful song, and Ms. Streisand's vocals were flawless in singing this song. But it will tear your guts out.

Scattered pictures

Of the smiles we left behind

Smiles we gave to one another

For the way we were

The Significance of Today

 

Today, the Kansas City Chiefs are playing for their third consecutive Super Bowl championship, a feat never before accomplished. However, the significance of today goes back over 50 years for me. I first became a Chiefs fan back in the early 1970’s when Hank Stram was still the Head Coach and Len Dawson was the Quarterback. The Chiefs had just begun a downward slide that would last in one form or another for 50 years.

I was there for the 18 seasons between 1972-1989 when the Chiefs appeared in just one playoff game. When the Chiefs were coached by people like Paul Wiggin, John Mackovic and Frank Gzanz, and presided over by GM Jack Steadman. I was there during the Marty Schottenheimer years where we enjoyed regular season success but suffered heartbreaking playoff defeats. Marty also suffered the same fate in Cleveland, producing regular season success and two heartbreaking defeats against Denver in 1986 and 1987. In Kansas City, Schottenheimer took the Chiefs to the doorstep of the Super Bowl in 1993 before losing to the Buffalo Bills in the AFC Championship Game. Then came crushing defeats against the Indianapolis Colts in 1995 and the Denver Broncos in 1997. Thus began a 21-season stretch between 1994-2014 where the Chiefs would not win a single playoff game. This would include home playoff losses to the Colts in 2003, and the Baltimore Ravens in 2010 and an inexplicable loss to the Colts (they sure show up here a lot) in 2013 where the Chiefs blew a 38-10 lead. This was another lost period for the Chiefs as they were coached by the likes of Herm Edwards, Todd Haley and Romeo Crennel. Then came more heartbreak with home playoff losses to the Pittsburgh Steelers in 2016, the Tennessee Titans in 2017 and the New England Patriots in 2018.

The New England defeat in the 2018 AFC Championship Game still ranks (and will probably forever rank) as the most heartbreaking defeat I have experienced as a Chiefs fan. Nothing will ever top the Royals-Yankees Game 5 in 1977 in the heartbreaking defeat department, but this was a very close second. I watched with absolute joy as the Chiefs intercepted a Tom Brady pass with about 1:30 to go in the game and the Chiefs up 28-24. Only to watch it all evaporate with an offside penalty on Dee Ford that gave the great Tom Brady the opening he needed. Needless to say, Brady and the Patriots took full advantage. What would it take for the Chiefs to break through? How much more could a long suffering Chiefs fan take?

This is where I close with some reality (I am forever a realist).  As a Chiefs fan, with this kind of history, I have felt eternally blessed by the past six seasons. We have all certainly been blessed. There are plenty of others who are much more die hard fans than I, who have a longer history with this organization. Today is for these fans. I know that no fan of any team is entitled to a winning season, much less a championship season. At the end of the day, this is just a football game. I do not put my hopes and dreams in a bunch of football players, or in a football team. To see a team that I have rooted for all my life have a chance not only at a championship season, but to make history is just cool! GO CHIEFS!!

Ten Things For 2025

 

Coming up with a “Ten Things For 2025” list has admittedly been quite difficult. This stems from the fact that 2024 ended up being a year marked by civil unrest, dramatically shifting voting patterns in the election, and a big shift in how people access their news and how they perceive those who deliver the news. The financial markets displayed a great deal of confusion, but in the end, stocks were way up and the rally appeared more broad-based. Going into 2025, things are smooth on the surface, but there is a lot going on underneath that will eventually come to the surface.

Every December, Byron Wien who was the former US Investment Strategist at Morgan Stanley would issue his “10 Surprises” column for the upcoming year. He defined surprises as events that were outside the consensus thinking, but which he thought had a better than 50% probability of happening. I imagine that Mr. Wien would have a field day with the current conditions. This is my inspiration for what I call my “10 Things,” for the upcoming year. Mr. Wien’s focus for his “10 Surprises” list focused on the economy and markets. And I do have some predictions in this area.  Some of my Things are in line with consensus thinking and some will be way outside of the consensus. Last year, two of my predictions for 2024 came through. I had said then that Joe Biden would not be the Democrat’s nominee for President and that the Federal Reserve would only cut interest rates twice (consensus was for 6 cuts). The Fed cut rates for the third time this year just yesterday.

This past year has been one of civil unrest, most notably shown in the two assassination attempts on Presidential candidate Donald Trump. United Healthcare CEO Brian Thompson was assassinated and CashApp co-founder Bob Lee were also murdered, both in targeted hits. San Francisco 49ers first-round draft pick Ricky Pearsall was shot during an attempted robbery. Fortunately, he recovered and played for the 49ers this season. Unfortunately, I think we will see a lot of continued civil unrest in 2025.

Stock market is way overvalued. Stocks do not go into bear markets simply because they are overvauled. They keep going up until they don't. There is usually some sort of financial event that creates a bear market, and the conditions seem to be getting more and more ripe for some sort of credit event to occur.

Economy built on a mountain of debt. Personal debt, government debt is off the charts. Interest on federal government debt is at a record high. This is going to get worse as 5-year and 10-year Treasury notes mature and are rolled over into higher interest rate notes. Initial projections for FY 2025 budget deficit ran $2.3 billion. That budget deficit is now projected to run over $3 trillion. Household debt is manageable as long as employment stays strong. But cracks are developing there. Over the past 16 months, full-time employment (the highest quality jobs) has declined by 1.4 million. The entire creation of jobs over that time has come from contract jobs, gig economy jobs, part-time and seasonal jobs. Further cracks in employment could spell big trouble for household debt, and we may already be seeing this in credit card debt.

Now, onto my “Ten Things For 2025”:

1.      The Federal Reserve’s first interest rate action in 2025 will be to raise interest rates. We have seen 3 rate cuts in 2024, and this has been followed by higher inflation readings and higher long-term rates. The combination of lower short-term rates and higher long-term rates is called the steepening of the yield curve. A steepening yield curve is generally interpreted as a positive event for the economy, and I do expect to see some strong economic numbers coming in the first half of 2025. The Fed has indicated that they are in no hurry to cut rates further. There may not be any rate actions in 2025, but if we do see signs of an over-heating economy, the Fed will be raising rates. They do not want to repeat the mistake of 2021 in which they called inflation “transitory” and that no increases were needed. Inflation only became transitory because the Fed raised rates.

2.      The stock market will return 10% in 2025. I see all the gains coming in the first half of the year and then we will see a flattening out of returns in the second half.

3.      There will be a credit event in 2025. Debt is basically funding all of the strength in the US economy. Debt is one of those areas that show on the surface that things are manageable, the trends appear to be going in the wrong direction. Overall household debt is at a record $17.94 trillion dollars. Credit card debt, which is at a record high $1.17 trillion is particularly concerning. Delinquency rates are still manageable, but that rate has more than doubled since Q3 2021 (1.5% to 3.2%) and it is quickly heading toward problem areas (4%-5%). The current rate is higher than pre-pandemic levels and the highest rate since 2012. The recent stock market rally has also been funded with debt. Margin debt was $890 billion at the end of November, representing a 35% year-over-year increase. Any drop in stock prices could trigger margin calls, which will make that problem even worse. While I am not foreseeing a major credit event in 2025, it will be big enough to be noticed.

4.      Online sports gambling will become a mini-epidemic. The lure of easy money – a tale as old as time. I have a friend who once made the observation that all those fancy casinos in Las Vegas were not built on the backs of gamblers who won. And yet many will try and very, very few will succeed. My guess is that many of those gambling accounts are being funded with credit card debt, which creates a bigger problem with overall debt. Many men get into sports betting because they think they know sports. They have no idea that sports and sports betting are two different things (largely because of odds and point spreads). This problem could also be a manifestation of a bigger societal problem of young men “opting out” of society.

5.      MSNBC will cease to exist as a political commentary channel. Comcast, which owns both NBC News and MSNBC, has announced that they will split up their company next year and NBC News will be split from MSNBC. This is the tell for me as a political commentary channel really needs the strength of a news organization to back it up. Having the backing of a news channel typically adds credibility to the commentary. With MSNBC, the ratings have dropped throughout the year and that drop has accelerated since the election. Being an obvious shill for a political party that is deeply out of favor does not help their cause. Already, we have seen headlines about the on-air talent being offered pay cuts. It is too little, too late. I see the spin-off company wanting to do something like sports or entertainment with this channel.

6.      X (formerly Twitter) will gain momentum as a news source. X owner Elon Musk has been a big proponent of free speech with X, generating mixed results. The 2024 election was, in part, a referendum on the mainstream media, and the MSM did not fare well (which helps explain point #5 above). X was the big winner, with more people turning away from the MSM and towards X. While X is a bit of a Wild West show, with all its messiness, chaos and misinformation, it does need to be noted that the single biggest piece of misinformation during the 2024 election came from the mainstream media and that was the idea that Joe Biden was fit to run for re-election. The messiness of X was on that right away (with a mountain of video evidence), questioning the President’s fitness for office while the MSM swallowed the White House propaganda without question. When President Biden has his disastrous debate vs Donald Trump in June, no one on X was surprised while the MSM felt betrayed.

7.      President Trump will see virtually of his legislatively packages pass in both houses of Congress. The surprise here is that I think we will see at least a small degree of bipartisanship in all of it.

8.      Georgia wins the CFP in January, the Philadelphia Eagles win the Super Bowl in February, and the Florida Gators win the NCAA Basketball Championship in April. Let's face it, if I get one of these three right, it will be a minor miracle.

9.      The Kansas City Royals will win the AL Central, and the Baylor Bears will win the 2025 Big 12 football championship. I am so excited about these two teams next year that they deserve their own line. Plus, I am a deep-seated fan of both, and this is my list and I need this to get me to 10! 

10.  All my best wishes to each of you that 2025 will be better than 2024. For me personally, 2024 has been a very difficult year, and I know that it has been difficult for many others as well. Yet I always look to the future with hope, and I always rest in a God that gives me peace through the most difficult of times. Happy 2025 everyone!

For The Love Of A Ball

I love this baseball. I still remember the day we got it.  June 18, 2004. The first time that I took my boys to Omaha, NE for a College World Series (CWS) game. I was going through some stuff here at home the other day and I came across it. Seeing this ball took me back to that day. To appreciate my love for this ball, a little background is necessary. If you remember, about a month ago, I wrote about that most awful day in my life – June 18, 1999. In 2004, I was coming upon the 5^th anniversary of that day and I knew I needed to do something to get my mind off it. As part of my efforts to find the thing to get my mind off it, I pulled out an atlas, thinking that getting out of town would help. I started circling Kansas City with my index finger, making bigger circles until I hit Omaha. That’s it! I knew the CWS was coming up, so I checked the schedule, and sure enough there was a game at 1:30pm that day (it was a Saturday). I asked the boys if they wanted to go, and they were all for it!

Saturday the 18^th came and it was a beautiful day and we made the drive up. What I found outside the stadium was just a really neat atmosphere, as there were a bunch of houses set up as party central for the duration of the series. Unfortunately, the NCAA considered this “riff raff” and getting rid of it was part of the inspiration to build the new stadium. But I digress. It was just really cool outside of Rosenblatt Stadium. Rosenblatt itself was a cool stadium. And I was able to score second row seats just past third base. We had settled into our seats to watch the California State-Fullerton Titans take on the South Carolina Gamecocks. The pitchers had warmed up in the bullpen and were heading towards the dugout. As he made his way towards the dugout to get ready to start the game, South Carolina catcher Landon Powell tossed this ball to 7-year-old Brent. The game had not even started and our day was already made!

What a day! Sunny, not a cloud in the sky. No humidity and a high temperature of about 80 degrees. The perfect Chamber of Commerce day! Cal State-Fullerton would go on to win the game 2-0. I found out later that this was the first shutout at the CWS in over 10 years. I hit a home run that day with this trip. Fullerton would go on the win that series. The next year, my alma mater, Baylor, made the CWS so the boys and I had to go see them play. And a tradition was born. I ended up taking the boys to Omaha 8 times for CWS games. These were some of my most favorite and treasured memories of their childhood. I am so glad I got to see 7 games in Johnny Rosenblatt Stadium. Rosenblatt is a quirky, yet charming ballpark. I made one game in the new stadium. It is a beautiful stadium, but it lacks the charm of the old ballpark. For one absolutely perfect afternoon, I got to forget about life for awhile and I loved it.

This game also helped restore some of my lost love for the game of baseball. I had soured on the game after the strike in 1994 and the subsequent decline of my beloved Royals. But watching the way these kids played the game was a joy. All out hustle. They all ran out those ground balls. They sprinted to and from the dugout at the start and end of every inning. Just a lot of spirit in those young men that day. That reminded me of why I had loved this game from the time I was a kid of about 3 or 4 years old. Thank you all for reading.

A Long Strange Trip - Twenty-Five Years

 

June 18, 1999. Worst day of my life. Twenty-five years ago today, my wife Angie, the love of my life, died in an automobile accident. I was told the day after her funeral that I would grieve her death the rest of my life. History has proven that to be true. The twenty-five years since have been one long, strange trip. I do not write this to elicit sympathy. Please do not express any to me. Twenty-five years on, the words will not be comforting, but will only wear on me. Thank you. I do not write this to remember a damn death. I have made my peace with it all. I write this to remember her, and to remember the extraordinary acts of kindness shown to me by so many. I hope that you, as my reader, will maybe gain some perspective. Finally, I write this to recall some of the ways that grief really messed with me. There is no way to prepare for grief. It overwhelms you, it robs you, and it replaces a lost innocence with a sinister journey that takes way too much time to complete.

I want to start off by giving thanks. I am so grateful to have spent 11 years with Angie, the last 8 as her husband. She understood me, she “got” me. Yes, I was probably difficult at times, a tortured soul of sorts. She loved me anyway. I received more love from Angie during our 11 years together than many people receive in a lifetime. For that, I am eternally grateful. I hope the love I gave back to her was sufficient. She also birthed two of the best sons any man could hope for, and I am so proud of them both. For that, I am also eternally grateful. Do I wish I could have her back? More than you could ever know. I know that will not happen and I am at peace with that.

The afternoon of the accident, I experienced one of the greatest acts of kindness I have ever known. One of the local churches had a ministry that would send people to hospitals to comfort families like ours. Imagine getting a call about 3:00pm on a Friday afternoon asking you to go to the hospital in Jasper, Tennessee to comfort a family from Kansas that had two small kids and whose mother had just died in an accident out on I-24. They came, they played with my kids and kept them distracted and kept them away from the other patients in the hospital. The pastor’s wife came to the hospital, sized up the situation and could see that we would need an overnight change of clothes (the wrecked car with our suitcases had been towed to a salvage yard that was closed for the night). She went to Wal-Mart and got some stuff for the boys and let me take some of her husband’s clothes since he and I were about the same size. I still have the shorts she gave me as a reminder of all the people there and the tremendous kindness and generosity they showed me.

I look back at the early days of my grief and wonder how I have made it this far. Many acts of kindness helped. People from my Sunday School class brought dinner over for the boys and me. I remember a childhood next-door neighbor of mine and one of her best friends brought me dinner one evening. I was so absorbed in my own grief and so numb that I was undoubtedly lousy company. They stayed with me anyway and ate dinner with me that evening. Another time, I remember a long-time friend took me to a Royals game. Nothing better in the summertime than a ballgame. Again I was numb and absorbed in my own grief and was terrible company. Today, I can look back on those times and realize just how bad I was and just how tremendous the kindness and generosity of friends really was in those days. There were so many other instances of kindness displayed towards me and I will forever appreciate it. Thank you to all who showed kindness and grace to me in those days.

Grief will mess with your mind in ways that you cannot even fathom. There is simply no way to overstate this. There is no way to prepare for grief because it is overwhelming. Some of your thoughts during these times are appalling. I consider myself to be a man of Christian faith, and that was really messed with. There were times when my “prayers” consisted of me yelling at God. I was pissed. I had been handed a life that I wanted no part of, and for which I felt wholly unqualified. I never wanted to be widowed. I never wanted to be a single parent. Yet there I was in that life that I never wanted. In Genesis 2:18, “The Lord God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.’” Boy, did I let God hear about that! In the midst of all this, I had a friend tell me, “If you keep yelling, God will keep listening.” Such comforting words that I will never forget. Who am I to tell God these kinds of things? I am sure that I had many other inappropriate thoughts during this time that leave me appalled at myself today. These days, I am sure grateful to worship a forgiving God.

I need to back up a bit here. I mentioned above that I never wanted to be a single parent. I meant that. There were many times where I looked at my sons as objects that trapped me in some hopeless rut. I would never wish single parenthood on anyone. But, I love my two sons more than anything. They were cheated so early on. To their credit, they never used their Mother’s death as a crutch. Throughout their childhood, I could see times where Angie’s absence stole a piece from my boys. And that pissed me off. I cannot imagine my life without them. I love them more deeply today than I ever thought possible.

I have mentioned anger, and I felt plenty. I learned all about the five stages of grief. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. After the tragic death of a loved one, you immediately go into denial. It is a wonderful coping mechanism that helps protect you from harm and keeps you from feeling. You need that in the immediate aftermath. I found that the next three stages are fluid. I never went chronologically from one to the next. I might find myself saying I’d give it all back in a heartbeat to have her back. The next day I might find myself angry. Even as you are going through all these stages, you want your life to be “normal.” Your life will never be normal again. As you seek out your new normal, you will find that life does start to feel normal again. But only in pieces. Life will be going well, then bam! Something will hit you out of the blue and it will knock you back. One step forward, two steps back. Gradually, this will transition to two steps forward, one step back.

Grief left me feeling incomplete, unlovable and with the feeling of sticking out in a crowd for all the wrong reasons. I felt like a damn freak show at times. For me, the biggest part of me had been ripped away, never to come back. I had invested many of my hopes and dreams for the future in her. Just like that, it was all gone. I didn’t give a damn about anything in those days. It was impossible. Quite honestly, those two boys of mine, those who made me feel trapped at times, kept me going. I knew that regardless of what happened, they deserved a future. And their best future was going to be with their Dad around to be a part of their lives. That kept me going.

I have a cousin who once gave me some wonderful advice about dealing with grief. She said that “it will find its place” in your life. This cousin experienced the tragic death of her 6-year-old son, so she spoke to me from a place of wisdom and experience. I have not forgotten those words. This is where I come to acceptance. It took me years to come to that acceptance. It meant coming to terms with and accepting a life that I never wanted, a life that I hated. That was the first step in true acceptance, and that was hard. When you are deep in grief, you do not think in terms of “this gives me the opportunity to build a new life, this give me a do-over.” You are so focused on what you lost. In my case, what I lost was tremendous, and I still had (hopefully) a long life ahead of me. I have come to accept this life I have now. It is not anywhere close to where I want it to be, and it never will be. But I can go forward from here, everyday, and hopefully make a life that will bring me happiness and joy.

As I remember these last 25 years, I am reminded of the words of one of my favorite hymns:

When peace like a river attendeth my way

When sorrows like sea billows roll

Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say

It is well, it is well with my soul

I hope that you, the reader, found some blessing in all this. This was tough to write, but also a labor of love. I knew I had to write this. Angie deserves a tribute.  Plenty of memories come back on a day like this. That is what makes this tough. I am so fortunate that I was married to someone who was so unforgettable to me. And I wish she was still here with me. Blessings to all.