Haunting Words

"At the sixth hour darkness came over the whole land until the ninth hour. And at the ninth hour Jesus cried out in a loud voice, "Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?" - which means, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" Mark 15:33-35

I have just celebrated Easter service as I write this. The music this morning may have been the best I've ever heard at COR (or any other church for that matter). Very uplifting and inspiring. The sermon was really good. Yet the verse written above has haunted me all week. I have been haunted because I have been feeling the words of Jesus on the cross this week. The pastor of my church, Adam Hamilton, preached a sermon on these very words several weeks ago, noting with amazement that even Jesus, the Son of God, felt abandoned by God in his hour of greatest need. I write this today not to impart some great wisdom, but to seek answers.

I know why I am feeling forsaken by God. This week, I will celebrate my 20th wedding anniversary - alone. The great joy of such an occasion should not be overwhelmed with sadness. There are other things going on in my life that also lead to my feelings. The apostle Paul, writing in 1 Thessolonians reminded me that I should give thanks in all situations because this is God's will for me in Christ Jesus (1 Thess. 5:18). Yet I cannot help but feel differently. On top of that, Mother's Day is right around the corner. Oh joy. Easily the emptiest day of the year in our house. A day that only serves to remind my two sons how unfair life has been to them. Meanwhile, I read Genesis 2:18 (It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him, said God) and I wonder "where is God and where is my suitable helper?"

Do I worship a God that abandons His followers at their hour of greatest need? Jesus himself felt abandoned by God while on the cross! I find myself feeling that way now as I approach a very difficult time of the year. I have prayed with more intensity than ever these past few months, and I can see that some prayers have been answered, others have not. I have lashed out in anger at God, out of frustration. I want some reassurance that He is there, and that He is listening. I want some reassurance that He is hearing my prayers. Right now, it does not feel that way. I know my faith has been bent, contorted and twisted in all kinds of ways these past several years. That faith is being severely tested again. When do I come through this storm?

The words of Jesus on the cross come from Psalm 22:1. David writes this as an ultimate praise of a Lord who delivers him from his enemies and predators. At this point, when do I come out the other side, having been delivered from my demons and frustrations?