"Just as I am without one plea, but that thy blood was shed for me, and that Thou biddst me come to Thee, O Lamb of God, I come. I come."
Oftentimes I write entries into my blog, not because I have the answers, but because I am looking for answers. Writing helps me process my own disjointed thoughts into something more organized. I know that in many ways I am a broken and tortured soul. I think too much. Why does my mind go a million miles an hour? And sometimes (actually quite often) I find myself in situations beyond my control. Relying on my faith becomes a mixed blessing. I often wonder where God is at times like that. At those moments, I do not see God as an omnipotent King, sitting on a throne so brilliant that it blinds. At those moments, God is a man dressed in shabby clothes who gets down on the ground with me and tries to tell me everything will be ok. I want to believe Him, but it is so hard at times like that.
"Just as I am, though tossed about, with many a conflict, many a doubt, fightings within and fears without, O Lamb of God, I come, I come."
Many times all I see are my failings. For whatever reason, I see them easily. As I write this, I feel overwhelmed by them. A failed business. Yes, the business was overwhelmed by a bad economy, but good managers and good executives find a way to overcome. A failed marriage that lasted less than a year. Closing a failing business shortly after the marriage sure did not help anything. And to be honest with myself I was not completely honest with her about the condition of the business, and the debt I had taken on to keep it afloat. It seemed all I did as a business owner was rob Peter to pay Paul. And now I feel overwhelmed by debt I will never be able to repay. But to be such a colossal failure at marriage. I do not blame her for leaving. She made her share of mistakes, too. But that does not help me now. I have to look at my own mistakes and learn from them. And I see my failing as a father to provide for my children. Because of the failed business, I will be forced to sell my home. The only home my kids have ever known. Yes, it sucks. And it all falls on me. This is a situation of my own making. It is not hard to find the conflicts and doubts within me. I have certainly been tossed about.
"Just as I am, poor, wretched, blind; sight, riches, healing of the mind, yea, all I need in Thee to find, O Lamb of God, I come, I come.
Just as I am, Thou wilt receive, wilt welcome, pardon, cleanse, relieve; because Thy promise I believe, O Lamb of God, I come, I come.
Just as I am, Thy love unknown hath broken every barrier down; now, to be Thine, yea, Thine alone, O Lamb of God, I come, I come."
These last verses speak to a hope fulfilled. I have yet to see that. I hope I do. As my pastor says, "For those whose hope is in Christ, the worst thing is never the last thing." I do hope for healing. I remember my marriage counselor, a woman named Shay Freeman, told me to heal myself. She could see a mile away that I needed healing. I see Ms. Freeman as the type who will get in your face and tell it like she sees it. She will not mince words. But she will also bring boundless love. And she will get down on the ground with you at your lowest point so that she can look you in the eye and let you know that it will all be ok. In my heart, I know I will be welcomed, pardoned and cleansed. It is myself that I am torturing. It is myself that I cannot heal. "Thy love hath broken every barrier down." I have built barriers around me. I know this. I feel embarrassed by my failures. How do these barriers get broken down. I know I have been shown a large amount of love. Yet the barriers stand.
Some of you may recognize the poem that I have quoted, "Just As I Am", written by Charlotte Elliot (1789-1871) in 1834. She was raised as a devout Christian, but was also an invalid. She had many doubts about her faith and about herself. By historical accounts, she suffered great pain. This song certainly helped her reconcile her doubts and conflicts. It was not written in one sitting, but over a period of months. In 1849, William Bradbury put music to the words and it has since become a classic hymn.
I love this song. I love its utter rawness. This song strips away the polish, the shine. It speaks to raw emotion, raw feeling. It is a song for the truly tortured soul. It is just you, your fears, your conflicts, doubts - and God. So it is time to heal myself. I have been blessed with the gifts needed to heal myself. And the words to this song speak to me. I hope they always will.
In assembling my thoughts for this blog entry, I referenced John 8:1-11 in the New Testament, the story of the woman caught in adultery and brought to Jesus by the Pharisees and Teachers of the Law. When they asked Jesus what he would do to the woman, he replied, "Let each of you who is without sin cast the first stone." (John 8:7). All the woman's accusers dropped their stones and left. Afterward, Jesus asked her, "Has no one condemned you?" (v. 10). No, she said. He finally said "Then neither do I condemn you. Go and leave your life of sin." (v.11) Despite my fears, doubts, conflicts, focus on my failures, God has not condemned me, according to this Scripture. I am still raw. I still need healing. I need to set my stone down, the one I am poised to throw at myself.
I write this for myself and for those who doubt or are torn apart by conflict, self-loathing, fear and doubt. Right now, I do not like where my life is at. I utterly hate having to put on a happy face and pretend all is well when it is not. I have to hope and believe that someday, somewhere joy will be found again. For the worst thing is never the last thing, is it?
Notes
Lyrics to "Just As I Am" http://library.timelesstruths.org/music/Just_as_I_Am/ Yes, I left out the second verse.
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