Of Patton Oswalt, Erica Roman and Me

Erica Roman created quite a stir this past weekend with a blog post regarding the announced engagement of comedian Oswalt Patton and Michelle Salenger (https://ericaroman.me/2017/07/07/a-widows-rage-defense-of-patton-oswalts-engagement/).  Normally, I would not care one twit about this, but I did read this with interest since I am a widower myself, and I felt many of same things she felt.  But, rather than pour out anger, I believe something like this could serve as a useful instructional piece.  However, I also agree with Ms. Roman when she writes, "You don’t get to comment on the choices of a widower while you sit happily next to your own living spouse. You didn’t have to stand and watch your mundane morning turn into your absolute worst nightmare. You didn’t have to face the agony of despair and the only person who could possibly bring you comfort had been ripped from your life forever. You didn’t have to stand in the ashes of what was once your life, when the sun itself darkened and the very air you breathed felt toxic in your lungs. Go back to scrolling Facebook and keep your ignorance to yourself.

"Who gave you the position to judge when it’s “too soon” for a person who has suffered the worst to be able to find happiness and companionship again? Its been 15 months! How long should a widow sit in isolation before YOU are comfortable enough to release them from their solitary confinement?"  I completely understand the anger, as I have been there myself.  I could speak to these remarks, but I do not understand her situation, nor can I speak to the situation of Mr. Oswalt and Ms. Salenger.  What I do know is that my life was instantly turned upside down, I had two sons, the oldest of which was one month shy of his 3rd birthday, and the love of my life was ripped away from me forever. 

Five Stages of Grief

There are 5 well known stages of grief:  Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance.  Denial I found absolutely essential.  Oh, I went through anger - my "prayers" such as they were largely consisted of me lecturing God, yelling at God that I did not want this.  I wanted no part of widowhood and I wanted no part of single parenthood.  But in the midst of all that, I received some terrific advice: if I keep talking to God, He will keep listening to me.  I have never forgotten that. I do not ever recall a bargaining stage, but I did go through depression.  I still do battle depression, and I will battle it for the rest of my life.  I have reached a point of acceptance, but it took me many, many years.  My stubbornness largely stood in the way of acceptance. 

 

What I have found in my own experience is that one does not march through these stages in any kind of sequential order.  I experienced the "one step forward, two steps backward" many times.  Those then moved to became "two steps forward, one step backward."  One day, I might feel acceptance of the circumstance, then the next, I was back in depression, which might bring out my anger.  And depression is a monster that will eat you alive.  But through it all, I never entertained suicidal thoughts.  I never fell into the trap of drugs or alcohol (I do drink socially).  I digress here, but I found it interesting that this morning in church, as I was talking to an older lady that I had known through church for the past 3-4 years, I mentioned my battle with depression with her, and she said she would never have guessed that about me.  Not the first time I have heard that. 

 

Timetable For Grief

What I want to stress to people is that there is no timetable for grief.  I cannot emphasize this enough.  People will want the grieving person to "snap out of it, it's been long enough."  This is one of the worst things you can say to someone who is grieving.  And this will go a long way towards spiraling a person into a deep depression.  I know the person saying this is well intentioned and wanting to help the grieving person move forward with life, but that is not the way to do it.

 

Which brings me back to Ms. Roman's comment, "How long should a widow sit in isolation before YOU are comfortable enough to release them from their solitary confinement?"  Getting back out into society, being with friends is very helpful.  At first, it is hard to have perspective as a widow/widower getting back out and socializing.  For me, at the end of happy outings, I was going back home to my lonely existence that I was not used to, nor did I want to face it again.  Over time, you develop perspective and joy will return to your life in bits and pieces.

 

So, when is it the right time for instance to date and remarry if you are grieving the loss of a spouse?  My answer is it depends.  It took me 22 months to grieve Angie's death, so for me, 15 months would have been way too soon.  I had to learn how to date someone besides Angie.  That took awhile.  Mr. Oswalt and Ms Salenger feel comfortable with where they are in their relationship, and it is not my place to comment on it.  Neither is it yours.  The point is, if you have not lost a spouse, and you have never experienced that deep grief, then you have no idea what the grieving widow/widower is feeling or going through.  I would highly recommend that you do not try to offer "helpful" advice.

Back To "Normal"
What eventually brought me around to my acceptance?  First, I am not convinced that I am all the way there.  I am about 98%-99% of the way there.  But I have to credit my Christian faith and a pastor, Reverend Adam Hamilton (www.cor.org), for preaching sermon after sermon after sermon about hope.  He stressed over and over in his sermons that no matter how much of a mess our lives are, no matter how screwed up we are, no matter how bitter we are about past experiences, we still mattered to God, and He still had a plan for each of us.  He has often said, "For those whose hope is in the Lord, the worst thing is never the last thing."  People who are widowed can easily feel they have no worth anymore.  This is why depression is a stage of grief.  And I credit my two sons.  They have no idea, but I am alive today because of them.  Today, they bring me such incredible amounts of joy.  I am so excited for what the future holds for both of them.  Finally, I credit a family that did not give up on me.  They saw me at my worst, and continued to love me unconditionally.  They could have easily given up on me, but they did not.  I will be forever grateful for each of these.  And I am back at a place where I feel like I matter again.  That is a great feeling to have.

 

One other word I will say before I close.  Should a widow/widower remarry, the new spouse needs to understand that the deceased spouse will always occupy a place in the surviving spouse's heart.  To ask them to forget about him/her is completely unfair.  At the same time, the widowed person will have plenty of room in his/her heart to love another completely and fully.  My grandfather had a wonderful 44-year marriage to my grandmother after he had been widowed TWICE!  I do not know where he summoned the strength to love again like that, it has been hard enough for me after being widowed once!  But the new spouse should not feel threatened or slighted just because of a few moments of remembrance on the part of the widowed person.  As Ms. Roman said in her blog, " thats what widowed hearts do. They expand."  The heart does expand and make more room for love.