To Feel Deeply

A couple of months ago, my Bible Study leader at church, a local attorney named Aaron House, told me that he could tell that I feel deeply.  His observation took me by surprise.  I had never seen myself like that before.  I am still amazed that he saw it.  But the more I have reflected on that, the more I realize he is right.  I have spent much of my life burying my feelings and emotions.  I learned from my Dad not to show emotions, not to feel. Instead I was to "tough it out." I came around to the thought that feelings and emotions do not serve me well, so best not to let others see it. Oftentimes, his teachings served me well.  Sometimes I just wanted to bust out, but I could not.  Looking back on Dad's 70th birthday celebration, we had the whole family gathered together, and he gave us some of his life's reflections, in particular noting that he had learned that it was ok to show emotion and be more emotional.  So this brings me back to the observation that I feel deeply.  Aaron was right, I do feel deeply.  But I have put so much more effort into burying my feelings that I could not see it.  People have often noted to me that I am so calm, surprisingly stoic.  That is how I wanted to be perceived.  Not as one who is overly emotional.  I did let myself feel, I just made sure no one saw it.  I needed to get it out of my system privately.  Looking back, I cried a lot in the days, weeks and months after Angie died. I just made sure no one saw me, especially my boys.  I wonder if I robbed them of a side of me that would have been healthy to see?  I wonder if I have robbed myself of something?  What brings this all back to me is a tragedy that occurred this past weekend.  The daughter of a friend died in a boating accident. Knowing what my friend was about to go through with grief brought back all kinds of recollections to me.  There were moments I recalled vividly, particularly the grief resources person from the funeral home who said to me, "You will grieve her death the rest of your life."  I recall arriving at the church for Angie's funeral, and seeing the hearse, knowing it was for her. Talk about a reality slap! That was the first time it hit me that it was not a dream, that Angie's death really happened. That hit me like a ton of bricks. My heart breaks for my friend. He has a wide network of friends and family who will help him through the grief. But my heart still breaks. I tried to reach out to him with a note, and I could not get it done because I kept choking up on my emotions (I did get a note out to him the next day). And it was in that moment that I recalled Aaron's words. I knew I felt deeply.  Will I cry in front of my boys?  Remains to be seen.